In the two months following my mom's death there were many days that I knew to anticipate being hard to walk through without her. Within a week we were celebrating my brothers birthday. Two weeks later it was mom's birthday, then Thanksgiving and, of course, Christmas right on its heels. And I was right, those days were hard. No amount of intentional tradition-keeping and memory making made her absence any less obvious. If anything, it was a hard reminder of just how big her presence really was in our lives.
I was so grateful to be able to spend both holidays with my dad and siblings, nieces and nephew, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents; all of whom love my mom as much as I do and miss her dearly. We cooked her recipes, used the centerpieces she had prepared, told her stories, laughed, missed her laugh and cried together. I was so grateful that the Lord had already carved out that time for us all to be together long before we knew how much we would need it.
So while I knew to expect that those obvious days would be hard and knew to pray us through them, I did not know to anticipate that New Years Eve, mom's least favorite holiday of the whole year, would sneak up on me and bring me to my knees. I did not consider the fact that leaving behind the year that she was alive and moving forward into a year that she would never see would symbolize to me all of the things that I will do in my life without her. In everything, she was there and she wanted to hear about it. She wanted to facetime for first steps, she wanted to help us name our property, she wanted pictures if we painted a room or when someone lost a tooth. She wanted videos during gymnastics and of early readers. She wanted to hear about wins and losses on the basketball court. She was the most frequent commenter on the live-feed race tracker during Jimmy and Ron's races. She was right there cheering us on in everything and that's a position that can't be replaced. For some reason, leaving 2012 made me painfully aware of the reality that I would do those things without her and it was tough.
My precious dad sent us three kids an email last night agreeing that as life-changing as 2012 was for our family, there was a part of us that would always wish we could stop the calendar here in the days that mom knew and was with us.
He wrote, "As I send this, we are an hour from 2013. There is no way we can go backwards, and the calendar will not stop for us. I promise you this. I cannot not replace your Mom, and would never try. However, I want to walk by your side to honor her and remember her and keep her character traits alive in the lives of your children. As you teach your children, they will hear, and will walk in obedience, knowing that you walk before them as an example, having learned that from your Mother. I love all three of you and I am so amazed at the strength of your character in these more than difficult days. We face tomorrow together. We step into the new year as a family. We love each more each day, and we will work together to instill Biblical principles in each other. You three children (and your children!!) really were the joy of your Mom's life. She loved you, and so do I. THANK YOU for everything you are doing to show others HOW to live in the dark days of life.
"Happy New Year" is such a common phrase. Tonight, my prayer for all of us is that we covenant to make 2013 a better year because of what we have learned from your Mom. May we comfort one another as we go day by day. HAPPY NEW YEAR as we take these new steps together."
Falling forward. Trusting. Giving thanks in all circumstances. Believing in the truth of a sovereign, all-knowing God who has planned the course of my days before there was even one of them, who "hems me in, behind and before, and has laid his hand upon me", who loves me deeply and is willing for me to walk these dark roads because he knows what lies ahead and he knows that it is for my good... these are the truths that take me into 2013.
I was so grateful to be able to spend both holidays with my dad and siblings, nieces and nephew, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents; all of whom love my mom as much as I do and miss her dearly. We cooked her recipes, used the centerpieces she had prepared, told her stories, laughed, missed her laugh and cried together. I was so grateful that the Lord had already carved out that time for us all to be together long before we knew how much we would need it.
So while I knew to expect that those obvious days would be hard and knew to pray us through them, I did not know to anticipate that New Years Eve, mom's least favorite holiday of the whole year, would sneak up on me and bring me to my knees. I did not consider the fact that leaving behind the year that she was alive and moving forward into a year that she would never see would symbolize to me all of the things that I will do in my life without her. In everything, she was there and she wanted to hear about it. She wanted to facetime for first steps, she wanted to help us name our property, she wanted pictures if we painted a room or when someone lost a tooth. She wanted videos during gymnastics and of early readers. She wanted to hear about wins and losses on the basketball court. She was the most frequent commenter on the live-feed race tracker during Jimmy and Ron's races. She was right there cheering us on in everything and that's a position that can't be replaced. For some reason, leaving 2012 made me painfully aware of the reality that I would do those things without her and it was tough.
My precious dad sent us three kids an email last night agreeing that as life-changing as 2012 was for our family, there was a part of us that would always wish we could stop the calendar here in the days that mom knew and was with us.
He wrote, "As I send this, we are an hour from 2013. There is no way we can go backwards, and the calendar will not stop for us. I promise you this. I cannot not replace your Mom, and would never try. However, I want to walk by your side to honor her and remember her and keep her character traits alive in the lives of your children. As you teach your children, they will hear, and will walk in obedience, knowing that you walk before them as an example, having learned that from your Mother. I love all three of you and I am so amazed at the strength of your character in these more than difficult days. We face tomorrow together. We step into the new year as a family. We love each more each day, and we will work together to instill Biblical principles in each other. You three children (and your children!!) really were the joy of your Mom's life. She loved you, and so do I. THANK YOU for everything you are doing to show others HOW to live in the dark days of life.
"Happy New Year" is such a common phrase. Tonight, my prayer for all of us is that we covenant to make 2013 a better year because of what we have learned from your Mom. May we comfort one another as we go day by day. HAPPY NEW YEAR as we take these new steps together."
Falling forward. Trusting. Giving thanks in all circumstances. Believing in the truth of a sovereign, all-knowing God who has planned the course of my days before there was even one of them, who "hems me in, behind and before, and has laid his hand upon me", who loves me deeply and is willing for me to walk these dark roads because he knows what lies ahead and he knows that it is for my good... these are the truths that take me into 2013.