I picked up a friend's copy of Love and Respect, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs this weekend that has been sitting on my bookshelf for several weeks now. The book came highly recommended not only by this friend, but also from older women in my church who read it as a group last year. I expected it to be a good read and to offer a helpful challenge for me as a wife to be mindful in giving my husband the respect that he needs, but after reading countless books on biblical marriage (many of them excellent) I assumed that this one wouldn't have anything terribly new to say. I was correct. The basic message of this book is far from new, in fact it's about 2000 years old. The message of this book is Ephesians 5:33 and it is drawn out and explained in such a way that any and every wife needs to take notice.
"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Eph 5:33
If you're like me, you've either read or heard that verse a bajillion times. If you're like me, you have an enormous amount of respect for your husband. But, if you're like me, you have no idea that the tone of your voice, the look on your face, and your sighing betray your actual feelings of respect and leave your husband feeling defeated and completely disrespected by you. Ouch.
I can't begin to give a review on this book that comes close to doing it justice (and anyway, I'm only on chapter four!), but I want to tell every wife I know that she simply must read this book. I've allowed myself to fall into the very un-biblical notion that it is the husband who controls the emotional/relational thermostat in the home, and I'm beginning to see how very wrong that is. I realize that not all marriages are made up of two people who have genuine good-will towards each other, and for those marriages who lack that basic component, the premise of this book will seem all too simplistic. Perhaps it would be only a starting point for those marriages once the deeper issues are resolved. However, I do believe that in most marriages, even those that are far from fulfilling, both husband and wife at least love each other and want good things to flow out of their relationship. However, I am beginning to see how much is actually dependent upon ME, as the wife, to maintain a calm, easy steadiness in our daily life living together. A few examples....
"...a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping..." Proverbs 19:13
"It is better to live on the corner of a rooftop than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife" Proverbs 21:9
"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Proverbs 14:1
These are just off of the top of my head and I am sure there are more. But in thinking about these verses I realized that I cannot think of any that would be counter verses for husbands in regard to their wives. Sure, there are those that remind husbands to be gentle with their wives, calling us the "weaker vessels", but I can't think of any that seem to give the husband as much "control" over the atmosphere in the home as these verses give to us wives.
Now, even in knowing this, I'll admit, I feel myself tensing up a bit here and there while reading this book as I come across places where I feel like he's hammering a little too hard on me as a wife. But really, I'm beginning to see and believe that God might actually have designed it so that I, as the wife, DO have more control over the love and respect being exchanged in my marriage. There could be any number of reasons for this, but one could be that, as a woman, I am naturally more in tune with the state of our relationship at any given time and will never be content to just give in and wish it were different. No, as a woman who loves as I am created to love, I will rarely be willing to sit back and do nothing, whereas a man might be more likely to throw himself into whatever it is that makes him feel valuable and respected if he believes that he should give up on the notion of ever feeling that at home from his wife.
So enough of my light bulb moments, back to the book. This book explains very clearly how completely different women are from men and men are from women. Our needs are different and the ways in which we go about trying to get those needs met are different. It is no wonder that we've misunderstood each other and begun to assume the worst of each other. Jimmy and I have always reminded each other to just assume the best when one of us says something insensitive or hurtful, because we know that love and respect really are at the heart, but when you've forgotten to assume the best it is only natural that the misunderstandings will begin to drive a wedge too deep to even want to climb out of. Read this book. Remember Ephesians 5:33. God tells husbands to love their wives for a reason. It is because showing love is not natural. God tells wives to respect their husbands for a reason. It is because we naturally show love and that is not the greatest need of our husbands. This book will make you aware of your own thoughts behind your words and how the way those words are perceived by your husband will either build up your home or tear it down. Don't be foolish!! Learn how to show respect to your husband. Be willing to do it because it is good and right. Be willing to do it because God has entrusted this man to you. Be willing to do it because he will be a better man when he feels respected by you.
"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Eph 5:33
If you're like me, you've either read or heard that verse a bajillion times. If you're like me, you have an enormous amount of respect for your husband. But, if you're like me, you have no idea that the tone of your voice, the look on your face, and your sighing betray your actual feelings of respect and leave your husband feeling defeated and completely disrespected by you. Ouch.
I can't begin to give a review on this book that comes close to doing it justice (and anyway, I'm only on chapter four!), but I want to tell every wife I know that she simply must read this book. I've allowed myself to fall into the very un-biblical notion that it is the husband who controls the emotional/relational thermostat in the home, and I'm beginning to see how very wrong that is. I realize that not all marriages are made up of two people who have genuine good-will towards each other, and for those marriages who lack that basic component, the premise of this book will seem all too simplistic. Perhaps it would be only a starting point for those marriages once the deeper issues are resolved. However, I do believe that in most marriages, even those that are far from fulfilling, both husband and wife at least love each other and want good things to flow out of their relationship. However, I am beginning to see how much is actually dependent upon ME, as the wife, to maintain a calm, easy steadiness in our daily life living together. A few examples....
"...a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping..." Proverbs 19:13
"It is better to live on the corner of a rooftop than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife" Proverbs 21:9
"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Proverbs 14:1
These are just off of the top of my head and I am sure there are more. But in thinking about these verses I realized that I cannot think of any that would be counter verses for husbands in regard to their wives. Sure, there are those that remind husbands to be gentle with their wives, calling us the "weaker vessels", but I can't think of any that seem to give the husband as much "control" over the atmosphere in the home as these verses give to us wives.
Now, even in knowing this, I'll admit, I feel myself tensing up a bit here and there while reading this book as I come across places where I feel like he's hammering a little too hard on me as a wife. But really, I'm beginning to see and believe that God might actually have designed it so that I, as the wife, DO have more control over the love and respect being exchanged in my marriage. There could be any number of reasons for this, but one could be that, as a woman, I am naturally more in tune with the state of our relationship at any given time and will never be content to just give in and wish it were different. No, as a woman who loves as I am created to love, I will rarely be willing to sit back and do nothing, whereas a man might be more likely to throw himself into whatever it is that makes him feel valuable and respected if he believes that he should give up on the notion of ever feeling that at home from his wife.
So enough of my light bulb moments, back to the book. This book explains very clearly how completely different women are from men and men are from women. Our needs are different and the ways in which we go about trying to get those needs met are different. It is no wonder that we've misunderstood each other and begun to assume the worst of each other. Jimmy and I have always reminded each other to just assume the best when one of us says something insensitive or hurtful, because we know that love and respect really are at the heart, but when you've forgotten to assume the best it is only natural that the misunderstandings will begin to drive a wedge too deep to even want to climb out of. Read this book. Remember Ephesians 5:33. God tells husbands to love their wives for a reason. It is because showing love is not natural. God tells wives to respect their husbands for a reason. It is because we naturally show love and that is not the greatest need of our husbands. This book will make you aware of your own thoughts behind your words and how the way those words are perceived by your husband will either build up your home or tear it down. Don't be foolish!! Learn how to show respect to your husband. Be willing to do it because it is good and right. Be willing to do it because God has entrusted this man to you. Be willing to do it because he will be a better man when he feels respected by you.