Falling forward

In the two months following my mom's death there were many days that I knew to anticipate being hard to walk through without her. Within a week we were celebrating my brothers birthday. Two weeks later it was mom's birthday, then Thanksgiving and, of course, Christmas right on its heels. And I was right, those days were hard. No amount of intentional tradition-keeping and memory making made her absence any less obvious. If anything, it was a hard reminder of just how big her presence really was in our lives.
I was so grateful to be able to spend both holidays with my dad and siblings, nieces and nephew, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents; all of whom love my mom as much as I do and miss her dearly. We cooked her recipes, used the centerpieces she had prepared, told her stories, laughed, missed her laugh and cried together. I was so grateful that the Lord had already carved out that time for us all to be together long before we knew how much we would need it.
So while I knew to expect that those obvious days would be hard and knew to pray us through them, I did not know to anticipate that New Years Eve, mom's least favorite holiday of the whole year, would sneak up on me and bring me to my knees. I did not consider the fact that leaving behind the year that she was alive and moving forward into a year that she would never see would symbolize to me all of the things that I will do in my life without her. In everything, she was there and she wanted to hear about it. She wanted to facetime for first steps, she wanted to help us name our property, she wanted pictures if we painted a room or when someone lost a tooth. She wanted videos during gymnastics and of early readers. She wanted to hear about wins and losses on the basketball court. She was the most frequent commenter on the live-feed race tracker during Jimmy and Ron's races. She was right there cheering us on in everything and that's a position that can't be replaced. For some reason, leaving 2012 made me painfully aware of the reality that I would do those things without her and it was tough.
My precious dad sent us three kids an email last night agreeing that as life-changing as 2012 was for our family, there was a part of us that would always wish we could stop the calendar here in the days that mom knew and was with us.
He wrote, "As I send this, we are an hour from  2013.  There is no way we can go backwards, and the calendar will not stop for us.  I promise you this.  I cannot not replace your Mom, and would never try.  However, I want to walk by your side to honor her and remember her and keep her character traits alive in the lives of your children. As you teach your children, they will hear, and will walk in obedience, knowing that you walk before them as an example, having learned that from your Mother.  I love all three of you and I am so amazed at the strength of your character in these more than difficult days. We face tomorrow together.  We step into the new year as a family.  We love each more each day, and we will work together to instill Biblical principles in each other.  You three children (and your children!!)  really were the joy of your Mom's life.  She loved you, and so do I.  THANK YOU for everything you are doing to show others HOW to live in the dark days of life. 
"Happy New Year" is such a common phrase.  Tonight, my prayer for all of us is that we covenant to make 2013 a better year because of what we have learned from your Mom.  May we comfort one another as we go day by day.  HAPPY NEW YEAR as we take these new steps together."


Falling forward. Trusting. Giving thanks in all circumstances. Believing in the truth of a sovereign, all-knowing God who has planned the course of my days before there was even one of them, who "hems me in, behind and before, and has laid his hand upon me", who loves me deeply and is willing for me to walk these dark roads because he knows what lies ahead and he knows that it is for my good... these are the truths that take me into 2013.

My sweet mom

On October 24th, before the sun had even come up, my world changed forever. At around 5:30 am my beautiful mom left this world for her true Home. She would truly love the thought of blazing the trail for all of us to glory, and we can hardly wrap our minds around the fact that she is with Jesus! We are grateful that the strife and heartache of this world are a thing of the past for her and that all she will ever know for the rest of eternity is pure joy, but our hearts are broken and we miss her greatly. Our family will never be the same without her ways of bringing us all together and making each of us feel like we were the most special to her, but the Lord is good and he is already at work drawing us closer to each other and closer to himself.

I've never planned a funeral before and I discovered that it's a pretty huge task to accomplish in two days, especially when you have been surprised by such grief, but mom made it so easy for us. She wanted things to be simple with the most unadorned casket (she really wanted a pine box, preferably hand-crafted by an Amish man, but we didn't have quite the time for that : ). She wanted to be buried in her wedding dress to symbolize the two greatest loves of her life, her earthly family and her role in her heavenly family as the Bride of Christ. Instead of a huge spray of flowers, we draped her beautiful wedding veil over her casket with her worn and tattered Bible opened to Revelation 21:2 that says, "And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband." On her Bible we placed a single purple rose. She had many favorite hymns, but three of her favorites were Be Thou My Vision, It Is Well With My Soul and Amazing Grace. Her older grandchildren and sons and daughter-in-law read scriptures pertaining to God's children being his Bride, with her oldest grandson praising her as a true Proverbs 31 woman. The younger grandchildren played Amazing Grace on the tin whistle and sang the first two verses with great gusto. I'm not sure I've ever been to a funeral with six eulogies before, but Dad, Lisa, Ron, Jimmy, Blake and I all had things that we wanted say to honor her. John Salonek, a family friend and a man mom respected greatly, presented the gospel. We concluded her service by gathering around her with our entire extended family, joining hands and singing Thy Loving Kindness, just as our family did 36 years ago upon the death of dad's youngest brother. There were over 700 people there to honor her.

I know for certain that the words that were spoken of her were only true by God's grace in her life. I also know that the Lord has used those words and her example to work in the hearts of many people, myself included. So many women have told me that they want to leave a legacy for their families like mom has left for us. There is no way that mom would have ever guessed how far-reaching her example of a life well lived would stretch, and it is now our privilege to tell others of God's goodness and grace to our family.

Because I don't want to forget, I've written out the words that I spoke of mom during her funeral.

I am so grateful to see so many familiar faces here to celebrate my mom. She loved a good party, especially one that included all of her people. Mom and dad’s house has been bursting at the seams with all of our family and good friends over these past few days and my cousins Tobie, Tracie and I were saying that she would be really sad to miss out on all of this. But there is one place that she would rather be than here with us and that is casting her crown at the feet of Jesus. I have a feeling that even if we could give her the chance to come and join us here she would say, “No, thanks, I’m good!”

I bought this fun little necklace at a local craft fair for her upcoming 65th birthday. My plan was to have her grandchildren write little notes to her in the pages. She loved quirky things like this, especially when it involved personalized words from her favorite people. Since she no longer needs our words of encouragement, I decided instead to fill it with one-word descriptions of her from her friends and family. A few of the words that have been rightly used to describe her are: vibrant, classy, faithful, precious, prayer warrior, memory maker, biggest cheerleader and, of course, Pinterest Queen. It blesses me to see that she was known so well.

Anyone who knew mom for more than five minutes knew that she was also passionate (and if they only knew her on facebook they figured that out even more quickly!). That passion fueled her lively debates; religion and politics did not scare her off. She never claimed to know all of the right answers and said that she would be a student of the Bible for all of her days. As dad would say, she was “teachable” and willing to change her mind if she could see it in scripture.

But there was one thing that she knew for certain. She placed her confidence in the knowledge that she was a daughter of the King. I found a list in one of her many Bibles that she used to remind herself of the many things she knew to be true. Ephesians 1:3 told her that she had been specifically chosen by God. Romans 3:24 reminded her that she was justified before him. Ephesians 2:10 encouraged her to remember that she had been created for good works, and Colossians 2:10 calmed her and helped her rest in the knowledge that she was complete in Christ.

The single most important thing to my mom was that her children and grandchildren would know and believe in the saving grace of Jesus and that we would be as confident in those truths as she was. But that wasn’t just a vain hope for her. She quite literally devoted her life to pointing us to Jesus in a million different ways. For example, several years ago she mentioned to us that she had set aside a Bible for Lisa, Ron and myself and had committed to reading through each Bible and making personal notes to us in the margins as she read. The magnitude of the treasure this would be began to sink in for me when I found my Bible Thursday afternoon. Every time I open this Bible to fill my mind and heart with Truth, I can expect to also find words of wisdom and encouragement from my mom. In a quick glance through Proverbs last night I found these treasures:
Proverbs 14:1, “The wise woman builds her house” with the note that says, “Keep building!”.
Proverbs 15:26, “In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and his children will have refuge.” Beside that verse she had written the names of all of her grandchildren.
Proverbs 17:14, “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.” She wrote, “Your dad is good at this.”
And finally there was even one of her famous reminders next to Proverbs 22:3, “The prudent sees evil and hides himself, but the naive go on and are punished for it.” She wrote, “Think ahead!”

Faithfulness to God from generation to generation was the greatest desire of her heart. She loved the Lord with all of her heart, mind, soul and strength and she devoted her life to learning to love the people around her, whomever they might be, personally and well. I long for heaven more today than I ever have before and I am confident that she will have the party in full swing for me when I am finally able to join her there. I am beyond grateful to know that she and I will spend eternity together in our favorite place; celebrating and casting our crowns at the feet of Jesus.

The end of an era

Seven years (and six babies) ago the Deadwylers decided to move in next door. In those years we have watched each others kids while babies were being born. We have watched each others babies being born. We watched ourselves become more and more outnumbered each and every year. We've done lots and lots of other things as well (shared illnesses, commiserated during injuries, played hard and worked hard, to name a few), but it would seem as though it's been the multiplying that has kept us the busiest.

Our kids have no idea what it is like to grow up without best friends right at their disposal. They have grown up anxious to get out the door every day to share big news or build forts or ride bikes. We grown-ups have loved every second of cheap babysitting that old baby monitor gave us in the (usually) quiet hours after all of those little people finally settled into bed.

Living next door to good friends has been a priceless experience for us and has reminded us of the importance of community. We are so thankful that God carved these seven years out for our families to enjoy together and look forward to so many more.

So Brian and Sarah, Emma, James, Cate, Jesse and Abby... it's been a wild and crazy (and fruitful) and really wonderful seven years. Thanks for thinking it would be awesome to be neighbors. It was.

The day that finally came

The awesomest thing about a scheduled C-section is the fact that one can circle a date on a calendar and watch it get closer and closer. That was me and August 17 this year. Being invited to attend and photograph the birth of any baby is an awesome privilege, but when it's my own little niece it's nothing short of amazing. The plan was to be there to document the before and after moments, but when the Coolest Obstetrician Ever asked if they wanted pictures from inside the OR the game had been changed. 

Welcoming babies into the world will always rank up at the top of my favorite activities and I was so grateful to get to witness the birth of this sweet little lady.

Welcome, sweet little Winnie!

Dreams vs. reality

This picture represents my highest hopes and dreams for this new school year:

But given the fact that I am more outnumbered than ever before, and that I am pulled in more directions than ever before, and that we are busier than we have ever been and have I mentioned that I have a middle schooler to teach now? Oh, and I'm way less prepared and organized at the start of this year than I ever have been.

So while that might be my dream, I think this might be closer to my reality:

Jack... with an accomplice

My worst fears are coming true. Jack appears to be taking Eli under his wing and tutoring him in all the ways of mischief and mayhem. So what happens when these two are given a head start up the stairs at bedtime and end up finding themselves alone for 32 seconds? They dart into the bathroom, of course, and scurry around for the very first item they can find to wreak the most havoc. Nail polish. Obviously. And apparently there is a bit of hazing that comes with initiation into Booba's School of Mischief but Eli proves to be an eager student. Awesome.

Fourteen years of love

In the early years of our marriage I think Jimmy and I were both a little surprised to discover that marriage wasn't always going to be sparkles and rainbows. Sometimes it was just plain hard work and that didn't seem like a whole lot of fun! For a while I think we both revolted against that idea and determined that we would muscle our way through the rough patches so that we could find our comfy spot and settle in for the next sixty or seventy years in perfect peace and harmony. After fourteen years we've discovered that isn't reality either. : ) We've learned that as long as we're breathing we'll have conflict, but we've also learned that God uses those times to smooth our edges and make us more like his Son. Our understanding of marriage is a bit more mature than it was when we said, "I do" fourteen years ago and I think the way that we love each other is, too. I chose very wisely when I said yes to my Jimmy all those years ago, but that was God's grace because I had no idea just how perfect for me he would be.

So in honor of our special day, my awesomely fun husband set us up with a cooking class at the new Upcountry Provisions, a bakery and bistro owned by our friends Cheryl and Steve Kraus. We arrived to find a lovely spot set up for us in the kitchen complete with appetizers, wines and a syllabus for our class. We made four different soups, Ciabatta bread, bagels and cake pops for dessert. Cheryl had wines prepared for each soup and the most delicious dessert wine I've ever had to go with our dessert. We were so impressed with all of the attention to detail that went into planning their first ever cooking class. Rolling out our very own bagels, eating the delicious soups and enjoying the friendly company made our anniversary evening so memorable. And our kids were quite happy to enjoy the fruits of our labor when we brought home all of the leftovers!

So here's to fourteen years of growing up together. I can't wait to see what the next sixty will bring for us.

Will work for LEGO's

Now that Ben has joined the ranks of LEGO maniac he's begun to have opinions regarding the new sets that needed to be added to the collection. The latest desire is for the Lord of the Rings: Gandolf Arrives set. It warmed my heart to overhear Ben asking one of his overly generous grandparents for a job to do so that he could earn money for the set and I think it warmed the heart of that particular grandparent as well because Ben mysteriously found a ten dollar bill in his piggy bank the next day. He was delighted, as you can imagine.

Not wanting to squelch his willingness to work for his purchases, we came up with an alternate plan. We let him go ahead order the set and then got super excited with him when it finally arrived. We opened it all up, looked through the instructions and talked about how fun it would be when it was all put together. Then we put the pieces into a jar and explained that he would earn a certain set of pieces for every verse that he learned of Matthew 5. His incredible memory combined with just the right incentive made memorizing that chapter a piece of cake for Ben. The rest of us learned it along with him and it definitely reminded me of the importance of making memory work more of a priority. Their little minds are amazing in their ability to memorize and it's silly to not take advantage of this time to store up God's word in their hearts.

Pool time

If you've ever taken six kids (three of which don't swim) to the pool then you will understand when I say that it's not one of my most favorite outings. A few times this summer I was able to take just the three big kids and was so pleasantly surprised to be reminded that the pool can actually be fun! Who knew that one could swim around and actually play and have fun at the pool?! Maybe I stress out around water more than the average mother, but if you think I'm overreacting then you've never been responsible for watching Jack at the pool.
I made a vow to myself that I would not take all six to the pool by myself and I only broke that vow a couple of times. But like I've said a thousand times, everything is more fun with dad around and pool trips are no different.
I'm thankful that we have access to a great pool just a few houses down from us. I am thankful that said pool is enclosed by a gate that needs a code in order to open. I am thankful that we made it through the summer of pool trips with all of our children still living and with my sanity (mostly) intact.

Garden bounty

This year's garden has been our most fruitful garden yet. Granted, that's not saying a whole lot. But we're excited none the less! We're especially excited to be pulling beauties like this out of the ground. They make our Saturday evening pool picnic feel like a homegrown feast.

And I'll be sad when the day comes that I can't send a kid or two outside in the evening to fill this bowl for our dinner salad (or my evening snack, either one). This right here is what I call a Bowl of Deliciousness.